The Ideal Candidate
by colonellunchmeat
Summary: Fred Waterford, now a Commander, has been asked a favor, but he may be able to make lemonade out of lemons...No longer mediocre, being a Commander is AWESOME.
1. Chapter 1

"I just don't want her to be sent to the Colonies. It's a favor to my wife." Muldoon looked at Fred Waterford earnestly.

"This woman, she's a homosexual, is that correct?" Fred tried not to wrinkle his nose. "And somewhat mentally ill?"

Muldoon wiped his forehead. Fred could tell that the man was somewhat intimidated by meeting a big muckety-muck, and for Fred Waterford, who had been a public school math teacher before marrying his brilliant anti-feminist authoress, it was exhilarating.

"Well, Mr. Waterford-"

"Commander. It's what all my friends call me." Fred tried to smile.

"Yes. My wife Shannon, she grew up in a good Christian family, and Dodie, the older cousin, rebelled back in the 1970s, and was a lesbian activist-truly revolting. But Dodie came back to Shannon's family, and said she wanted to be cleansed of her same-sex, Satan-inspired desires."

"Well, that's very good, but I don't know if we really need a woman who doesn't cook, she'd make a terrible Martha-what are her skills?"

"Dodie used to drive a school bus for mentally challenged children, but she was fired for assaulting one who used the Lord's name in vain-almost broke the boy's neck. Shannon's family got Dodie out of that one...but she is easily frustrated."

What a gem, Fred thought. A mental case.

"Shannon tells me that Dodie's primary resentment is that she was rejected by the lesbians she wanted to emulate-not a pretty girl- and when she came back to the fold, she still had the desires. And sometimes when a young woman, particularly an attractive one annoys Dodie, she'll attack."

"Really?"

"Yes, we were at a carnival in line with the kids, and Dodie slapped an adolescent girl standing behind her because she didn't like what the child was saying."

Muldoon leaned forward over Fred's desk. Fred tried not to wrinkle his nose. Why don't Gilead men bathe more?

"Look here, Commander. Dodie loves Gilead, and she's interested in working within our system. She has two years of college behind her and if she can just control herself around the young women-"

"To not attack the provocative ones?" Fred's eyes began lighting up a bit.

"Yes. But she is desperate to volunteer. Shannon says that it is the best way to divert her perverse desires."

"Perhaps we could use her, somehow."

"But she wants to go by Lydia."

"Lydia? You mean, while working for us."

"Well, her name is Dorothy Lydia, and she's always been called Dodie, and I'm afraid she was never taken terribly seriously by the family so-"

"I guess, yes, I can interview her."

Muldoon looked earnestly at Fred Waterford. "Well, she's sort of in a pickle. She is in a straitjacket just now, Dodie-er, Lydia is, at Bon Secours hospital in Baltimore. It's a long story. You could get her out of her legal difficulties?"

"Why not, Muldoon-your first name is Jerry? Sure. We'll drive down and do it. Have you seen these electric sticks? They're used to quell Falun Gong practitioners in Red China. Smaller than a cattle prod. Easier to manage."

"I'm so glad you'll help me, Fred."

"Commander. I'm Commander Waterford, Jerry."

"Yes sir."


	2. Chapter 2

"It's great to see you again...I guess Serena's book really took off." Danae smiled at Commander Fred Waterford. Look at her, trying to jut out her chest to ruin the effect of the burgundy frock. Whoring it up.

Fred genially cocked his head. "I got a good report of you from Commander Piggott." He paused. "Of course, except for the situation." The regrettable situation we find ourselves in, right Danae?

Danae tried to smile. "I was afraid I might not be able to get an appointment, Fred-"

"Commander Waterford."

"Y-yes. Of course. We had a lot of laughs in Campus Crusade, and I am just glad, uh, Commander, that we could talk. You were a great friend."

Fred smiled tightly. Yes, remember, Danae? You didn't want to risk your Pearl Without Price for me, or so I thought...just friends.

Danae twitched her adorable little nose at Fred. Can't cover that up, can you, bitch?

"I still laugh about how we hosed down those dykes, the Take Back The Night activists. The "Michigan Daily" said it was shocking that Campus Crusade for Christ-ers could behaved that uncivilly...did we laugh!"

There was a pause.

"F-Fred? Commander?"

"I'm sorry, Danae, I guess I spaced out for a moment."

Waiting for the altar, you bitch, that's what you told me...

"But we had so much fun, God, the times..."

Sure, till I walked into the catering kitchen from our "Stop Apologizing for America" banquet, and you were BLOWING the uh, N-word security guard. You didn't see me, did you?

"You were a true policy genius, and I was surprised when your LSATs didn't...well you wouldn't have liked law school anyway."

How many blacks did you blow there, Danae? Jesus.

"I'm really sorry we didn't keep up after graduation. I got your letters and gifts, and...wow..."

Ever hear of email forwards, Danae? How did it go? 'Fred has the testosterone power of a drowning gerbil?'

"But you married an amazing woman, and I loved her book, I'm a paleoconservative myself."

"Yes, that's right, Danae. You are a big reader, aren't you?"

Danae looked down at her hands-well, her hand- and then back up at Fred.

Fred loved bringing people into his study. They always looked so freaked out.

"Yes, reading is-is my guilty pleasure."

"But we have rules in Gilead. You had five-count them, FIVE Stephen King novels in your room, Danae?"

"And one Nora Roberts." Danae bit her lip.

"Well, I think you knew the rules. I'm surprised you got in touch with me. When's the operation?" Fred paused, feeling the old excitement. Right in his chest. She's going to beg me. BEG.

"I-I was hoping you could help me? As a favor to an old friend?"

"What, after the operation? You want a glass eye? I'm not sure we do that, Danae."

Look how pale she is. Just starting to realize it.

"F-Fred, is there any way...I am so sorry about the books. I'm over reading, really...do I have to have the operation?"

"Well, it's not your first offense, Danae. You're already missing a hand, we don't want to take the other one. How would you do the marketing?"

The crying. Those tears. Fred was getting kind of excited.

"I-I tried to get in touch with you before that um-"

"That operation, so to speak? I imagine so. Making unkind observations about Aunt Lydia's weight in orientation, I wouldn't dare that, and I'm a commander."

Oh, look at her. Staring at her hand, and of course the nub... Terrified.

I can make her wear the nightie, and get the dog-whip. FINALLY.

"P-please, Fred, Commander Waterford, I'll do anything if you can keep them from taking my-my..." She touched her left eye reflexively. They always take the left.

"Anything, Danae?"


End file.
